You know, I am always boasting to everyone I know, including the teachers who teach my children that I don't send my kids for tution.(Probably my hubby is blabbering the same thing too). I would go on and on about how I have never sent my kids for tution except for a specific short period of time (about 1-2 months) when I felt I could not cope with the syllabus.
I spend most of my mornings, preparing what to teach, making notes and yes, I do lots of math. How can I teach if I dont practise the math! Many people tell me,"Wah!!!!! You soooo good,ah!" Ofcouse, remarks like this set be gloating to the sky.
When my kids entered secondary school, I thought I would definitely be lost. I gave myself a chance to study the secondary school syllabus and "abacadabra" I actually grasped a lot. Now I wish to sit for PMR and SPM again- straight A's for sure!
But alas, at 41, probably I will be the oldest candidate and people would actually say,"Wah!! Soo dumb ah, that woman!!"
Anyway, my little one is in Standard 4. When my other two girls were in primary school, they were always top students. My eldest girl, Tushaani was a star student-coming out first in the standard year after year. Ofcourse the mother would love to attend prize giving ceremonies and whisper to everyone around her,"My daughter, my daughter!"
My second girl, Netusha did not excel as well as Tushaani but she too brought me to prize giving ceremonies every year. But alas! my little one is keeping me away from prize giving ceremonies!
My darling Veshalini is the opposite of the other two. She hates to study, grumbles when I teach her, doesn't finish her school work or the work I give her. In short, fights with me all the time. At the beginning, she still did well in school despite all the grumbling. But as of this year, her results got from bad to worse. The last semester exams, she did not even score an A for English. We speak English at home,hello!!
So, I was on her case. I have tution with my children everyday from 3-6. Everyday, I would make her cry-because I keep yelling at her. She drives me up the wall by staring at her book. I would jolt her back only for a few seconds before I raise my voice again. She takes 2 hours to complete 10 sums. Talks about irrelevant stuff when we are studying. She would push me to the max and then all hell will break loose and I start yelling and shouting.
Before I start the tution everyday I would tell myself,"Mala, don't shout at her,ok? Keep your cool." But Vesha's lackadaisical attitude always wins. In the end, I will shout at her. And she will cry. I always tell her that today I am not going to shout at you, so please help me not to do it. But I guess she can't help it. My other two girls will keep reminding her to do her work but she talks endlessly. They would call her stupid, dumb etc(among siblings this is quite common).
There came a point where I did not feel bad anymore when I scolded her. I told myself that it is her fault that I scold her, not mine. So the yelling got worse because now I blame it on her. I would tell her so. But one thing for sure, before I went to bed, I would hug and kiss her and tell her that I love her. But it wasn't enough because the hurt she was feeling everyday was far more greater.
Among the punishment I gave her was, first, I forbid her to play "Oblivion"-it's a pc game. She used to play it in the weekdays and weekends. I took the weekday away first. I told her if she shows some improvement in her behaviour towards her studies, then she can play. But there was no improvement. So I took the weekend away to oblivion. She was very obsessed with this game.
I told her if she finished all her work continuosly for a few weeks then I will let her play again.
Then I took away our evenings walks with the dogs. If she doesn't finish then she can't come.
Once she simply answered all the questions in a haste because she wanted to go for awalk.
And her results became even worse.
Vesha is actually a very intelligent girl. She speaks very well and her choise of words and expression will blow anyone away.
Of late I noticed that she was withdrawn. The moment she sees me she would freeze. She scored all 50's in the last exam-something none of my kids did. I knew, I had to change my strategy. Yelling and scolding her and taking away things she likes to do is not helping her.
The only way was for me to stop screaming at her, treat her with respect and dignity.I had to give her back her self esteem. The only way is to hold my tongue.
So guys, yesterday I scored a miracle. Through out the tution session, I did not raise my voice at all!! Our tution sessions are longer now because she has so much of catching up to do. I was many times on the verge of loosing it but I managed to control myself.
When I tucked her to sleep last night, I told her,"Vesh, you taught me a lesson today. You taught me patience."
And she said,'Mom, you teach me and I teach you."
I promised her that I will never ever yell, scream or scold her anymore. I pray I keep my promise. Help me God!
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5 comments:
Hi Mala,
I like the way u tell the truth.Actually u are doing a great job.Good that u have learnt how to have patience.Dont worry god will help u throughout.Fran and I will always say u are the best mother we have seen who take so much interest in her childs education.
cheers
valli
Dear Valli,
Thank you for your comments. And congatulations to me because yu are the first person to comment in any of my postings!!
MALA
I read this entry yesterday and felt compelled to return today to comment.
Your youngest girl reminds me very much of myself around the age of 13-14. I'd like to congratulate you on the good work you've been doing as a mother and teacher, and hope you continue driving your youngest girl to excel without feeling guilt.
We live in a society where parents tend to be swayed by other people's advice. Common sense may tell you that you have to set a minimum standard of academic performance, but popular culture and American psychology and parenting magazines will tell you that you will irreparably damage your daughter's self-esteem and sense of worth.
Let me reassure you that you are doing the right thing in pushing her. I was an average student in Form 1 and 2 because I lacked focus. I was playful, inattentive and prone to daydreaming. My school projects were rather shabby. My parents pushed me as you did but I did not have the drive to excel. Eventually, I had a crush on a new schoolteacher and pushed myself to do better in school in order to impress him. My grades went steadily up and I grew so addicted to the taste of success (like your eldest girl) that by the time I was in law school, I was winning debates and receiving scholarship prize money.
With Vesha, however, we cannot sit and wait for an external motivating factor, i.e. handsome schoolteachers, before she develops academic focus.
(Cont' next comment)
I have seen many young adults who are unable to hold on to their jobs because they lack drive, focus and a professional and exacting attitude towards work. They have not set goals or minimum standards for themselves and are unconcerned about what others think of them.
Many are either rich spoiled brats or simply those who have benefited from our country's affirmative action policies and were shipped to university without any appreciation of, or interest in, the subject they were made to study. They take hours to complete simple tasks, are easily bored and distracted and live only for payday and the weekends. They almost invariably end up monitored and cautioned by their superiors at work, then put in cold storage and ignored, and finally, constructively dismissed. They drift from firm to firm, without staying long enough to collect a single bonus, and are an asset to none. I am relieved and grateful that I did not end up like them.
You are doing the right thing in removing certain privileges. Having worked with children in need and having mentored young people before, I would recommend taking away privileges such as TV and video/PC games, but not activities that help develop character and a sense of community and responsibility such as family outings and evening walks. In fact, increasing the number of smaller responsibilities and household chores will probably help develop your daughter's sense of responsibility, maturity and competence. It isn't that she doesn't have the time to do her schoolwork, it's that she doesn't know how to manage her time. You can help her by dividing the tasks into smaller, more varied goals, e.g. 30 minutes of maths followed by 30 minutes of cleaning her room, then 15 minutes of spelling practice. Penalise her for mistakes made by making her do her corrections.
I am sure you are already doing a lot that is right. I am, after all, not a parent yet. It's just that this blog entry about Vesha reminded me too much of how I used to be, and I didn't want you feeling guilty for having to scold, nag or yell at her. It's for her own good, and we know it's not a cliche. We know we don't want her being one of those unremarkable adults who drift from job to job.
Take care and all the best to Vesha.
Hello, I am back to comment on this entry. I gave Vesha a prize for participating in the 3R Game upon the instigation of my fellow volunteer, Joo Wee, because Vesha was the first person, adult or child, to answer all questions correctly (upon hints and pointers being given -- but then again, we gave hints to everyone, including schoolteachers and professionals). Vesha demonstrated remarkable understanding about the environment and the 3Rs and has a praiseworthy vocabulary and wide general knowledge for someone her age. She really is a very special and intelligent young lady and I hope our having told her that she was the first to get a perfect score in the game will motivate her to perform better in school. We look forward to meeting her again during the Open Day in May.
Best regards to you, your husband and all your lovely daughters.
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