How I Damaged My Own Daughter's Self Confidence

You know, I am always boasting to everyone I know, including the teachers who teach my children that I don't send my kids for tution.(Probably my hubby is blabbering the same thing too). I would go on and on about how I have never sent my kids for tution except for a specific short period of time (about 1-2 months) when I felt I could not cope with the syllabus.

I spend most of my mornings, preparing what to teach, making notes and yes, I do lots of math. How can I teach if I dont practise the math! Many people tell me,"Wah!!!!! You soooo good,ah!" Ofcouse, remarks like this set be gloating to the sky.

When my kids entered secondary school, I thought I would definitely be lost. I gave myself a chance to study the secondary school syllabus and "abacadabra" I actually grasped a lot. Now I wish to sit for PMR and SPM again- straight A's for sure!

But alas, at 41, probably I will be the oldest candidate and people would actually say,"Wah!! Soo dumb ah, that woman!!"

Anyway, my little one is in Standard 4. When my other two girls were in primary school, they were always top students. My eldest girl, Tushaani was a star student-coming out first in the standard year after year. Ofcourse the mother would love to attend prize giving ceremonies and whisper to everyone around her,"My daughter, my daughter!"

My second girl, Netusha did not excel as well as Tushaani but she too brought me to prize giving ceremonies every year. But alas! my little one is keeping me away from prize giving ceremonies!

My darling Veshalini is the opposite of the other two. She hates to study, grumbles when I teach her, doesn't finish her school work or the work I give her. In short, fights with me all the time. At the beginning, she still did well in school despite all the grumbling. But as of this year, her results got from bad to worse. The last semester exams, she did not even score an A for English. We speak English at home,hello!!

So, I was on her case. I have tution with my children everyday from 3-6. Everyday, I would make her cry-because I keep yelling at her. She drives me up the wall by staring at her book. I would jolt her back only for a few seconds before I raise my voice again. She takes 2 hours to complete 10 sums. Talks about irrelevant stuff when we are studying. She would push me to the max and then all hell will break loose and I start yelling and shouting.

Before I start the tution everyday I would tell myself,"Mala, don't shout at her,ok? Keep your cool." But Vesha's lackadaisical attitude always wins. In the end, I will shout at her. And she will cry. I always tell her that today I am not going to shout at you, so please help me not to do it. But I guess she can't help it. My other two girls will keep reminding her to do her work but she talks endlessly. They would call her stupid, dumb etc(among siblings this is quite common).

There came a point where I did not feel bad anymore when I scolded her. I told myself that it is her fault that I scold her, not mine. So the yelling got worse because now I blame it on her. I would tell her so. But one thing for sure, before I went to bed, I would hug and kiss her and tell her that I love her. But it wasn't enough because the hurt she was feeling everyday was far more greater.

Among the punishment I gave her was, first, I forbid her to play "Oblivion"-it's a pc game. She used to play it in the weekdays and weekends. I took the weekday away first. I told her if she shows some improvement in her behaviour towards her studies, then she can play. But there was no improvement. So I took the weekend away to oblivion. She was very obsessed with this game.

I told her if she finished all her work continuosly for a few weeks then I will let her play again.
Then I took away our evenings walks with the dogs. If she doesn't finish then she can't come.
Once she simply answered all the questions in a haste because she wanted to go for awalk.

And her results became even worse.

Vesha is actually a very intelligent girl. She speaks very well and her choise of words and expression will blow anyone away.

Of late I noticed that she was withdrawn. The moment she sees me she would freeze. She scored all 50's in the last exam-something none of my kids did. I knew, I had to change my strategy. Yelling and scolding her and taking away things she likes to do is not helping her.

The only way was for me to stop screaming at her, treat her with respect and dignity.I had to give her back her self esteem. The only way is to hold my tongue.

So guys, yesterday I scored a miracle. Through out the tution session, I did not raise my voice at all!! Our tution sessions are longer now because she has so much of catching up to do. I was many times on the verge of loosing it but I managed to control myself.

When I tucked her to sleep last night, I told her,"Vesh, you taught me a lesson today. You taught me patience."

And she said,'Mom, you teach me and I teach you."

I promised her that I will never ever yell, scream or scold her anymore. I pray I keep my promise. Help me God!