The Day I Lost My Best Friend

Today I realised something. It came as a huge blow to me because I never expected it. I have this friend whom I have known all my life. She is like a sister to me. When her marriage of 30 years came crashing down, I was devastated. Devastated not because I didnt see it coming. Devastated because she married this guy at the fresh age of 17. He was her first love, her first boyfriend, her first crush. Talk about a greenhorn. Her husband never wanted children but she conceived just one kid- a daughter. So when she told me that she had walked out on her husband of 30 years, I cried for her for all the years she had lost. Her youth, her beauty, her energy, her passion, everything. She had put it all in her marriage and it came to an end. Now that was devastating. Everyone knew that her husband was a womaniser. Once a womaniser, always a womaniser. She was his thirdwife.

I still remember the day she called me to tell me that her marriage was over. Actually it was over a long time ago but she kept up appearances.I dropped everything I was doing and rushed to her place. She didnt look as dejected as I thought she would be. Well, that was a good sign. Perhaps she was so numb with the endless affairs her husband had that she did not know what to feel anymore. And then she dropped the bombshell. She had been having an affair with a married man for the last 15 years. She said that her lover is going to divorce his wife and marry her in 6 months time. Why 6 months? If you want to marry someone why wait?

I told her her lover is the typical man who wants the cake, the whole cake and he wants to eat it all by himself. But she believed in him and his empty promises. I would call her everyday and tell her to leave him because it is a relationship that would not last. She had no future with him. He is a married man with children. I reminded her as to how she felt when her husband strayed and why is she now doing the same. Apparently, her lover's wife found about the clandestine affair and lost no time in harressing my friend. My friend instead told her to try to woo her husband back and that it was her lover who was after her and not the other way around.

Once when I was at the movies, her lover's wife hurled abuses at her in full view of everyone.She just smiled and walked away shaking her head. I was quite disturbed with Grace's attitude. I realised then that maybe I dont know her all that well. We have been friends for upteen years and I see a side of her which I cant comprehend leave alone accept. I spent the next one year actually trying to talk her out of this relationship with this married man which she had no fututre. I cried nights after nights thinking about where Grace had put herself. Everytime I called her I would implore her to leave him. One day, I realised that it was not my call. Maybe she was happy being a mistress. Maybe it was okay for her to be with a married man. And then I stopped calling her for about 6 months. I actually became a foe because we had nothing much to talk about accept for me nagging at her to leave him. I just couldnt help it. Eventhough I tell myself that I would not brooch the subject it just came back everytime we talked. So I stopped calling and in the process, she started hating me. She told me that all I wanted to do is to get her away from this man. And she hated me for it.

How I Damaged My Own Daughter's Self Confidence

You know, I am always boasting to everyone I know, including the teachers who teach my children that I don't send my kids for tution.(Probably my hubby is blabbering the same thing too). I would go on and on about how I have never sent my kids for tution except for a specific short period of time (about 1-2 months) when I felt I could not cope with the syllabus.

I spend most of my mornings, preparing what to teach, making notes and yes, I do lots of math. How can I teach if I dont practise the math! Many people tell me,"Wah!!!!! You soooo good,ah!" Ofcouse, remarks like this set be gloating to the sky.

When my kids entered secondary school, I thought I would definitely be lost. I gave myself a chance to study the secondary school syllabus and "abacadabra" I actually grasped a lot. Now I wish to sit for PMR and SPM again- straight A's for sure!

But alas, at 41, probably I will be the oldest candidate and people would actually say,"Wah!! Soo dumb ah, that woman!!"

Anyway, my little one is in Standard 4. When my other two girls were in primary school, they were always top students. My eldest girl, Tushaani was a star student-coming out first in the standard year after year. Ofcourse the mother would love to attend prize giving ceremonies and whisper to everyone around her,"My daughter, my daughter!"

My second girl, Netusha did not excel as well as Tushaani but she too brought me to prize giving ceremonies every year. But alas! my little one is keeping me away from prize giving ceremonies!

My darling Veshalini is the opposite of the other two. She hates to study, grumbles when I teach her, doesn't finish her school work or the work I give her. In short, fights with me all the time. At the beginning, she still did well in school despite all the grumbling. But as of this year, her results got from bad to worse. The last semester exams, she did not even score an A for English. We speak English at home,hello!!

So, I was on her case. I have tution with my children everyday from 3-6. Everyday, I would make her cry-because I keep yelling at her. She drives me up the wall by staring at her book. I would jolt her back only for a few seconds before I raise my voice again. She takes 2 hours to complete 10 sums. Talks about irrelevant stuff when we are studying. She would push me to the max and then all hell will break loose and I start yelling and shouting.

Before I start the tution everyday I would tell myself,"Mala, don't shout at her,ok? Keep your cool." But Vesha's lackadaisical attitude always wins. In the end, I will shout at her. And she will cry. I always tell her that today I am not going to shout at you, so please help me not to do it. But I guess she can't help it. My other two girls will keep reminding her to do her work but she talks endlessly. They would call her stupid, dumb etc(among siblings this is quite common).

There came a point where I did not feel bad anymore when I scolded her. I told myself that it is her fault that I scold her, not mine. So the yelling got worse because now I blame it on her. I would tell her so. But one thing for sure, before I went to bed, I would hug and kiss her and tell her that I love her. But it wasn't enough because the hurt she was feeling everyday was far more greater.

Among the punishment I gave her was, first, I forbid her to play "Oblivion"-it's a pc game. She used to play it in the weekdays and weekends. I took the weekday away first. I told her if she shows some improvement in her behaviour towards her studies, then she can play. But there was no improvement. So I took the weekend away to oblivion. She was very obsessed with this game.

I told her if she finished all her work continuosly for a few weeks then I will let her play again.
Then I took away our evenings walks with the dogs. If she doesn't finish then she can't come.
Once she simply answered all the questions in a haste because she wanted to go for awalk.

And her results became even worse.

Vesha is actually a very intelligent girl. She speaks very well and her choise of words and expression will blow anyone away.

Of late I noticed that she was withdrawn. The moment she sees me she would freeze. She scored all 50's in the last exam-something none of my kids did. I knew, I had to change my strategy. Yelling and scolding her and taking away things she likes to do is not helping her.

The only way was for me to stop screaming at her, treat her with respect and dignity.I had to give her back her self esteem. The only way is to hold my tongue.

So guys, yesterday I scored a miracle. Through out the tution session, I did not raise my voice at all!! Our tution sessions are longer now because she has so much of catching up to do. I was many times on the verge of loosing it but I managed to control myself.

When I tucked her to sleep last night, I told her,"Vesh, you taught me a lesson today. You taught me patience."

And she said,'Mom, you teach me and I teach you."

I promised her that I will never ever yell, scream or scold her anymore. I pray I keep my promise. Help me God!

I Am Mad

So I am mad. Really, really mad. Why? Because my maid decided to change the container of my fish and meat curry powder. I have very cleverly put the fish curry powder into a bottle with a blue cover. Blue as in sea, ocean - fish. Get it? And the meat (chicken & mutton) curry powder was put into a bottle with a red cover. Red meat??
So all my life as a corporate housewife, I never got my curries mixed up. Never! But alas today, I cooked mutton curry and I realised that both my curry powder container covers were red. So I asked my maid why did she change it.
And she said," Itu yang biru, sudah pecah."
"So now which is which", I asked her. She very confidently pointed to one of the bottles and swore that indeed that was the meat curry powder.
You didnt think that I trusted her, did you? I sniffed it for myself but unfortunately, I couldn't make out which was which because they both smelt and looked almost the same colour.
Anyway , judging from my instincts, I proceeded to cook my mutton curry which I really don't have the appetite to eat today. Probably I will have my cereals. I am on a 1,3,5 cereal nights. Supposedly to loose weight! And yup, its working.
Coming back to my maid and swish swashing my cooking ingredients. You know how maids are. They slowly creep into your kitchen and change the setting, your cooking utensils, the position of your electical appliances etc. Ladies beware! This is the first sign of them trying to take over. They start from the kitchen. I always tell my maids. This is my kitchen. Only I and I will change anything around here, understand?
A friend of mine once told me that if he doesnt eat by 9pm, there will be no dinner for him. I asked him why and he said after 9pm, the maid puts everything into the fridge and goes to bed. I asked him what was his wife doing? He said that she follows the maid's orders. WoW! That will never happen to me. Over my dead body!
One thing for sure, I never taught any of my maids to cook. I have very well trained them to prepare the ingredients for cooking. But I do the cooking. They do the cleaning and washing afterwards. My maids are so well trained that when I tell them I want to cook chicken sambal for instance, everything is reading from the ingredients to the wok and ladle- on the stove. I would don my apron, make an elegant entrance in clear Nigela style and cook the meals. In 30 minutes its all done and I exit.
Well, actually I have this mantra about cooking. I belief the mother of the house should do the cooking. When a maid cooks, she is merely wanting to finish her job. But when a mother cooks, she makes sure the consistency of the curry is correct, the taste, the presentation etc. In short not only is she feeding you with all the necessary vitamins and minerals but she is also feeding you with her love. A lot of care is given whilst cooking and a mother puts all her attention and thoughts into it and through out the cooking procedure all she is thinking is for the food to turn out delicious. And that precious thought permeates into the air and into the food that is being cooked. That is why when some people cook ,even a simple meal tastes so yummy!
Now where was I? Oh God! There's something fishy going on in my mutton curry. Wish me luck!!